Anatomy of a Librarian

Four key elements of a librarian.

First, cardigans.

As a librarian, one must own, carry, and use not one, not two, but a multitude of cardigans. This is an essential part of the librarian aesthetic and the absence of a cardigan on a given day will deduct from the overall librarianess of a librarian. Not only are cardigans part of the image of librarians, they are also practical within the library.

Libraries must maintain optimum temperature and humidity levels. This is not due to the sensitivities of librarians (though they do grow accustomed to the library environment...) but rather, to the sensitivities of their dearest charges, the books. Now the coolness and ideal humidity of the library is quite comfortable for a visit, but it does become uncomfortably chilly about midway through a day. Thus, the cardigan. Winter, spring, summer, or fall each and every librarian has a cardigan for all the days of the year.

(As a side note, sweaters or pullovers are also acceptable in place of a cardigan. However, should you see such a specimen it is advised to investigate further before concluding that the specimen is indeed a librarian.)

Second, eyeglasses.

This is a highly important element of your average librarian. If you see a librarian in the wild you have either found a very new librarian (likely less than a year old) or a pretender of which there are many - after all, who wouldn't want to be a librarian?

Just as with cardigans there are practical as well as aesthetic reasons for the eyeglasses. In the case of the eyeglasses, many librarians experience eye strain and/or vision loss due to copious amounts of reading (both for library and personal purposes). In addition, it is good library practice to store books in dimly lit or dark rooms to protect them from the cruel damage of photons. Thus, librarians have developed night vision eyeglasses unavailable to the public to preform their duties.

Should you come across a suspected librarian and notice an eyeglass chain attached to the eyeglasses, beware this is likely a senior librarian with extreme shhh-ing abilities, engagement could be fatal. Back away from all books with all due haste and great care.

Third, tea.

It is widely understood that librarians live on tea and book dust supplemented by homemade baked goods from favored patrons. Coffee can be acceptable as a substitute in absence of tea. Though librarians consuming coffee often lack the preternatural strength of tea consuming librarians.

Tea is essential to the functioning of all librarians from the most to the least senior of them. This contributes to the overall habitat of librarians, multiple used cups should be expected at the circulation desk, reference desk, office area, and break rooms. It is also likely that a given librarian can be found with tea cup in hand when not actively shelving books.

Practically, the warmth of the tea effectively combats the coolness of the library in much the same way cardigans do.

Note, do not interrupt a librarian during the completion of any tea ritual from preparation to consumption or merely while holding a cup of tea. Should you cause a librarian to spill their tea (particularly on a book) run. It is unlikely that you will escape but run all the same.

Forth, cats.

If cardigans are skin, eyeglasses eyes, and tea life blood to librarians then cats are the hearts of librarians. Often cats are not explicitly allowed in library buildings but do not be surprised if you see a twitch of an ear from the corner of your eye or flick of a trail disappear into the stacks. You should raise your guard if you see signs of a cat in your library as cats inspire librarians to greater librariness.

Librarians' cats will be forgiven anything from spilled tea to damaged books - library patrons will instead be targets of librarian ire (vacate library premises immediately should a cat incident occur). It is debatable whether librarians care more for their cats or their books; regardless, do not engage with either without explicit permission.

Some librarians will substitute dogs for cats or will even welcome both cats and dogs at their companions - dogs are to be regarded or engaged with under the same guidelines as librarian cats. That is, with great care.

Enjoy your visit to to the library, respect the books, and fear the librarians.

See you in the stacks...